One reason why men, regardless of sexuality, are more open to dating bisexuals than women, regardless of sexuality
Paternal uncertainty — men’s concern that they may not be raising their own genetic offspring — was a catalyzing selection pressure such that men evolved a plethora of mechanisms to avoid it (Buss, 2000; Buss, 2017). Thanks to DNA Testing (and the Maury Show), this could be considered an evolutionary mismatch.
That is, men’s desire for chastity in a partner, the pressure placed on women historically & currently to remain virgins until marriage, the invention of the Best Man & Honeymoon (see below), the negative affect making the first move has on straight women relative to men (the failed-logic being that if she made the first move flirting with me then she may do the same with some other guy, so how can I ever be sure of the genetic relationship of a child I have with her), the different terms we have for women with multiple sexual partners compared to males with multiple sexual partners… all are associated with paternal uncertainty.
(The logic is basically → Take the chaste bride somewhere removed from her social network — especially male friends — to ensure you are the only person around when she becomes pregnant). 🤦🏻♀️
Consider the following conversation…
Pelody: Why do men see my bisexuality as evolutionarily beneficial for them?🤷🏻♀️
Chad: Because your same-sex attractions reduce paternal uncertainty. If you had an affair there’s a chance it would be with a woman, which increases my confidence that I’m the father of any kid we raise together 💪🏻
Straight women wouldn’t view bisexual men this way because fertilization & gestation take place within their bodies. As such, they already have 100% certainty a child they give birth to is their own. Thus, bisexuality in men has no influence on maternal certainty/uncertainty akin to the influence bisexuality in women has on paternal certainty/uncertainty.
Pelody: Does this suggest that one reason why many polygynous societies allow same-sex attractions among women is because it reduces the attention/effort men have to devote to preventing reproductive infidelity among one of their wives (Apostolou et al., 2017; Zeitzen, 2008; Satoshi Kanazawa, 2017)? 🤦🏻♀️
Chad: Yup, and why men are more distressed by reproductive-infidelity than infidelity with another woman (Wiederman & LaMar, 1998; Hughes et al., 2004; Confer & Cloud, 2011).
Moreover, straight men find their lover’s same-sex attractions far more rewarding than straight women do (Apolstolou et al., 2018) & overwhelmingly prefer threesomes with two women rather than with a man and a woman (Hughes, Harrison & Gallup, 2004).
Pelody: And there is no selection pressure for straight women to have evolved this acceptance of bisexuality in a lover the way straight men have?
Chad: Right, and that’s one reason why men, regardless of sexuality, are more open to dating bisexuals than women, regardless of sexuality.
Honeymoon — (Stephen Morewitz, 2019)
The honeymoon comes from the ritual in which the husband goes into hiding with his wife to escape retaliations from his wife’s relatives. According to this tradition, the wife is supposed to be pregnant at the end of one month.
Morewitz, S. (2019). Bride Abduction. In Kidnapping and Violence (pp. 11–22). Springer, New York, NY.
Best Man — (William Shepard Walsh, 1898)
“In our modern marriage rite the very name of that now useless appendage the “best man” suggests that he is a relic of the marriage by capture. He was the strong-armed warrior who assisted the would-be groom to carry off the bride. The honeymoon itself symbolizes that space of time when the captor had to hide his prize from her kinsmen until their consent had been gained” (p. 654).
Walsh, W. S. (1898). Curiosities of popular customs and of rites, ceremonies, observances, and miscellaneous antiquities. Detroit: Gale Research Company.
Throwing the Rose Bouquet at the Wedding — (Lucasz Luczaj, 2012)
“Wreaths were generally a symbol of virgins and unmarried girls and were sometimes worn by them as head decorations. In Polish, the idiom “to lose the wreath” (stracić wianek) means “to lose virginity.”
Flower wreaths were not only used as a part of CCO rituals. In lowland Poland unmarried girls placed them in rivers and streams on St. Johns’s Eve (23th of June, usually a few days later than CCO), and boys searched for the wreaths of girls they were interested in.
Today nearly every Polish rural wedding includes the ceremony of all unmarried girls attending the wedding trying to catch the wedding wreath (as an omen of a quick marriage). This is also a widespread and mainstream wedding custom in England (Sarah Luczaj, personal communication)” (Luczaj, 2012).
Łuczaj, Ł. J. (2012). A relic of medieval folklore: Corpus Christi Octave herbal wreaths in Poland and their relationship with the local pharmacopoeia. Journal of Ethnopharmacology, 142(1), 228–240.
Male Socialization & Toxic Masculinity
If a mask is all it takes to threaten your manhood, you didn’t have much manhood to begin with.
Toxic masculinity is a key reason why males have a hard time opening up emotionally to their male friends. Consider the contexts in which males are usually depicted opening up/sharing their feels with their bruhs:
→ A bar scene (the male sharing his feelings has consumed enough alcohol to use it as an excuse for his breach of male-rules.
→ While gaming — briefly — after successfully completing/ winning a tough/competitive player-vs-environment dungeon/ player-vs-player match
Such emotional repression means that straight men aren’t taking care of their emotional & mental health.
A key outcome of males’ avoidance of opening up to male friends is that they rely on their female friends to be reservoirs of emotional support instead (Willis, 2014). When you consider that EVERYONE — regardless of sexuality — prefers female friends over male friends for emotional support, it’s easy to understand where the term emotional labor comes from (one of the many forms of Women’s Labor; Cognitive Labor, Aesthetic Labor, etc).
That is, women are burdened with emotional labor of each sex, whereas straight men generally only provide emotional support to female friends & lovers.
Another consequence of our emotional withholdings as straight men is we’re less likely to seek mental healthcare when emotionally injured compared to seeking physical healthcare when physically injured. One ultimate outcome of this is that men are far more likely to die by suicide than women, even though women attempt suicide more times than men & commit non-suicidal self injury more than men.
Plural Courtship → Monogamous Coupling
The notion that bisexuals engage in dual (or plural) courtship shouldn’t be surprising when you consider that monosexual daters regularly engage in poly-courtship when dating but not facebook official. Women/men may be dating 3+ different people before they become official with one.
Bisexual Courtship adds the nuance of Dual-Sex Courtship, but plural courtship itself is the norm.
Women whose ultrasound reveals a daughter are less likely to be married when she gives birth (Dahl & Moretti, 2008) whereas ultrasounds that reveal a boy lead unwed couples to get married faster (Lundberg & Rose, 2003).
Parents control their daughters’ mating outcomes more than their sons’ (Apostolou, 2012; Apostolou, 2014; Perilloux et al., 2008; Blood, 1972; Stephens, 1963).
Age of 2nd Spouse
A women’s age at second marriage greatly influenced her odds of reproducing, which declined sharply after the age of 35; this pattern is consistent with the gradual decline in reproductive performance with increasing age (Velde & Pearson, 2002).
A slightly different pattern was observed in men that had children with 2 partners. To reproduce successfully in the second marriage, the man’s age was important, as was marrying a wife who was (on average) 10 years younger than himself. Thus, age-dependent reproduction in men was also highly dependent on the fecundity of their wives (i.e., their reproductive value), thereby producing greater reproductive variation in men than in women (Clutton-Brock, 2007). At the proximate level, individuals that remarried had higher RS because they extended their reproductive period and because they replaced the dead spouse with a younger and more fertile one.
The fertility of men (Crosnoe & Kim, 2013) as well as women (te Velde & Pearson, 2002) decrease with age. In addition, there tends to be a higher frequency of intercourse in newly formed unions (Klusmann, 2002), potentially leading to higher fecundity.
Age & Acting
“The amount of dialogue, by age-range, is completely opposite for women versus men.
Dialogue available to women who are over 40 years old decrease substantially. For men, it’s the exact opposite
there are more roles available to older actors.”
Age of Awareness of Sexuality: Bisexual Edition
An analysis of the bisexual subjects from my (2014) study indicated that bisexual women (n = 80) in my sample became aware of their sexuality around age 14.2 & bisexual men (n = 20) age 14.05.
BiCupid is the best dating site for heterosexuals with a bisexual preference (A Public Literature Review)
Lesbians show sensitivity for women’s faces (not men’s) during ovulation (Brinsmead-Stockham et al., 2008) & straight men respond to many ovulatory cues (Haselton, 2018).
Thus, lesbians & straight men may compete for #bisexual women.
When a #bisexual male was the target of intersexual competition, “both women and their gay male rivals directed their behaviors towards the target man, rather than toward each other” (Semenyna et al., 2020).
Intersexual Mate Competition
Bisexual courtship adds the nuance of dual-sex courtship, but plural courtship itself is the norm
Bisexual women “would be exposed to a greater range of natural genitalia, thereby seeing their own as more normative, whereas women who only have sex with men would not have such exposure and instead, may only have exposure to false images of female genitalia and may therefore have less satisfaction with their own genital appearance” (Juliana Guitelman et al., 2019).
Given that women’s level of satisfaction with their genitals is associated with better sexual function (Algars et al., 2011), it’s easy to understand why bisexual women orgasm more during sex than straight women (Frederick et al., 2018) & experience more arousal than straight women (Flynn et al., 2017; Persson et al., 2016).
It is noteworthy that bisexual women report more sexual pain than monosexual women; more than both lesbians (Flynn et al., 2017) and straight women (Tierney Lorenz, 2019).
Dual-Sex Courtship & Bisexuals
Bisexual Identity, Recent Quizzes, & some GamerGirl Fun 🎮
Bisexuals & Infidelity (Hoang et al., 2011)
No, bisexual aren’t more likely to commit infidelity than monosexuals. Consider the following research by Hoang et al., 2011).
“Bisexual women had a higher rate of infidelity with their male partners (62.5%) than female partners (10.5%), regardless of whether the affairs were with men or with women
The rate of infidelity with women partners was also comparatively low (10.5%), which challenges the stereotype that bisexual women inevitably cheat on their lesbian partners, with men.”
— (Hoang et al., 2011)
Lesbians tend to fear a bisexual girlfriend leaving in favor of an opposite-sex lover. Thus, they are therefore more likely to reject and deny would-be bisexual lovers, or pressure partners to identify differently to create a pretense of monosexuality (Gonzalez et al., 2017; Israel, 2018).
Bisexual Emotional Infidelity vs. Sexual Infidelity Concerns When Dating Women vs. Men
Whether a bisexual guy is more concerned with sexual or emotional infidelity depends on whether he’s dating a man or a woman.
“Men tend to worry about sexual infidelity, because they want to know that their female partners’ children are their own, and women tend to worry about emotional infidelity, stemming from a time when they had to worry about men allocating resources to their relationship.
Under this theory, it makes sense that bisexual men dating women would be more worried about sexual infidelity than bisexual men dating men, who can’t get pregnant.”
HOWEVER → “A post hoc comparison between women dating women and women dating men was conducted on the proportion of women who chose emotional infidelity as more distressing and was found to be nonsignificant”
(consistent with research by Dr. Christine Harris, PhD — the person who brought me in to UCSD. Her class — Interpersonal Relationships — was the first class I ever taught as a Californian & as a new PhD in 2015)
Participants in a same-sex relationship showed no sex difference (M-M = W-W on sexual infidelity concerns)
For participants in an opposite sex relationship, the traditional sex difference emerged: bisexual men cared more about sexual infidelity than bisexual women.
(Scherer et al., 2013)
InterOrientation Infidelity (Confer and Cloud, 2011)
“Straight women indicated that they were less likely to continue a relationship after their partners had exposed himself as bisexual by having an affair with a man.
A man’s sexual infidelity with another man, rather than with another woman, may trigger a stronger “behavioral immune system” (Schaller & Park, 2011) response from his female partner.
Therefore, straight women are less likely to forgive a partner’s same-sex infidelity compared to a partner’s opposite-sex infidelity (Confer & Cloud, 2011).”
By → Andrew Franks (2015) Bisexuality Revealed through Infidelity Elicits Behavioral Immune Response in Women, Journal of Bisexuality, 15(3), 346–356, DOI: 10.1080/15299716.2015.1051609
Kranz et al. (2018) found that homosexual men were rated as more feminine and less or equally masculine than heterosexual men as rated by college aged men and women.
Breakups Can Be/Are/Will Be Tense.
Miller and Parks (1982) found that dissolution was associated with a decrease in the use of the present tense and future tense in reference to the relationship.
“Conservative posts referenced the past to a greater extent than the future and liberal posts referenced the future more than the past” …which surprised no one (Robinson et al., 2015).
Long-distance couples break up more often (Cameron & Ross, 2007).
Divorce Isn’t Random
“The men often don’t see divorce coming… most men are shocked by their wives’ request for divorce”
(Renata Gomes, 2021 — https://medium.com/.../why-are-men-so-often-blindsided-by...)
About 26% of men report being caught off-guard by divorce requests compared to just 14% of women.
“About 70% of divorces are initiated by women. This is according to a 2015 research study conducted by the American Sociological Association (ASA) which suggests two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. Among college-educated women, this number jumps up to 90%.
When both parties in a marriage are employed full-time, the woman in the relationship still does more housework than men in the relationship.
¨A 2019 report from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics showed that on an average day in 2018, 20 percent of men did housework — such as cleaning or laundry — compared with 49 percent of women.
¨What this tells us is that there is inequality in the average household when it comes to domestic duties and labor among men and women. For married parties who have at least similar responsibilities from a full-time career, it is still women who are doing more of the work around the home as well.
Bisexual InterOrientation Friendships
That bisexual women and men experience most of their cross-orientation friendships with heterosexuals highlights the importance of understanding the complex dynamics between bisexual–heterosexual friends.
LG individuals are more likely to have friendships with other individuals who are lesbian/gay whereas Bisexuals are more likely to have friends with heterosexuals (Galupo, 2007).
Bisexual and gay men who are racial minorities face increased discrimination within and outside of the LGBT community, leading them to be less open about their sexual orientation identity or less likely to identify outright as a sexual minority (Manalansan, 1996). This context is shaped by many factors including racism within the larger LGBT community (SavinWilliams, 1996), more negative attitudes directed toward male versus female sexual minorities (Herek & Capitanio, 1999), and different forms of homonegativity among ethnic communities (Savin-Williams, 1996).
Dyar, Feinstein, and London (2014) compared single bisexual women and those in relationships with women or men. Bisexual women in relationships with women reported that they were often assumed to be lesbian even when they had disclosed their bisexual identity. Bisexual women in relationships with men reported more exclusion by lesbian women and gay men, less openness about their sexual orientation, and more depressive symptoms.
Qualitative research by Tasker and Delvoye (2015) with bisexual mothers in the United Kingdom found that, regardless of partner gender, bisexual parents often concealed their identity when interacting with the children’s schools, while acknowledging that this had psychological costs [utilitarianism]. All participants had experienced binegativity, and most had been excluded by lesbian communities.
“There is some literature to suggest that the friendship networks of lesbians and gay men are largely made up of individuals drawn from within the LGBT community. In particular lesbian women are most likely to develop friendships with other lesbians (Stanley, 1996) and gay men are most likely to develop friendships with other gay men (Nardi, 1992, 1999).
Research has established the unique benefits of these within-community friendships. Stanley (1996) found that lesbians’ friendships with other lesbians can provide a buffer against being socially devalued as a sexual minority. Friendships between lesbians can also provide an outlet for sharing daily aspects of life especially for women who are not open about their sexual orientation identity. Lesbian friends can also serve as role models in a culture where lesbian experience is not widely visible. Berger (1982) found that having friends who identify as gay is positively related to psychological adjustment in gay men over the age of 40.
Nardi and Sherrod (1994) made a strong case that friendship experiences among lesbians and gay men cannot be neatly extrapolated from the experiences of heterosexual women and men. Sex differences in friendship experiences identified in research on heterosexuals were not replicated in Nardi and Sherrod’s sample of lesbians and gay men.”
Danielle Loewen, 2021 — September 4th
¨We don’t actually know why other people are into things. Maybe that woman you judge because she loves high heels thinks about how she’d kill an attacker with them, and they make her feel like a badass. Or maybe her last boyfriend forbade her from owning them, so now she wears them like a badge of honour for surviving his control-freak-athon.
What if we listened to why Jade M. loves wearing makeup?
What if we listened to why Lindsay Soberano-Wilson loves her big breasts?
What if we listened to why Amanda Kay Oaks doesn’t want to “have it all”?
I can sum up what feminism means to me in one word: freedom.”
Marriage Benefits Xy > XX (assume direct quotes)
¨Marriage benefits men more than it does women. Married men are happier and healthier than their unmarried counterparts, their careers also benefit. In contrast, women’s health doesn’t improve significantly with marriage. In fact, women’s health is much more tied to the quality of the marriage. While even bad marriages seem to benefit men, women’s health suffers a bigger impact than men’s if the marriage is bad.
“Being a gay man of color is to experience the unnerving feeling of being invited to a potluck while being told not to bring anything since nobody would be interested in what you bring, and then not being offered any food since you didn’t bring anything anyway” (Chong-Suk Han, 2007).
“…interracial romantic relationships stand out as uniquely burdened by prejudice” (Miller, Olsen, & Fazio, 2004). Parents tend to be a key source of discouragement in interracial relationships, even if it is expressed in more indirect ways than when parents explicitly decry their child’s same-sex relationships (Edmonds & Killen, 2009).
In addition, given that race is used as a heuristic for status, interracial couples have a salient, intradyadic difference in status (Miller et al., 2004). The higher status person in such couples may experience disapproval from family/friends and pressure to dissolve the relationship; exposure to such social toxins is poisonous to satisfaction, commitment, and longevity.
Gay men are disadvantaged in their search for romantic partners because they lack access to normative dating structures that straight men enjoy (Barrios and Lundquist 2012). Thus, the prevalence of cross-racial pairings may simply reflect less opportunity for homophilous mate selection compared to different-sex couples (Ellingson, 2004; Kurdek, 2003, 2004). It has therefore been suggested that gay exogamy is driven more by the thin dating market than by greater postracial preferences.
Rather than having a liberalizing effect on other social boundaries, perhaps the transgression of one identity in the race, class, gender tripartite brings about greater pressure to conform to remaining boundaries. This effect has been shown in homophobia among straight African American men (Froyum, 2007).
Racialized images of black men as virile and hypermasculine have led to the fetishization of the black body by white gay men (Collins, 2004; Connell, 1992; Green, 2008; Reid-Pharr, 2001; Wilson et al., 2009). The constrictive “erotic capital” of this black male archetype plays out in male escort services, where black dominants (tops) receive the highest price for their services, while more effeminate black men (bottoms) are the most penalized and least desired (Logan, 2010).
Gay men appear to make greater use of racial classifications and be more overtly expressive of racial preferences than the wider society (Plummer 2007; Fong 2003; Raj 2011; Williams 2016).
Women’s lesser likelihood of outmarrying compared to (straight) men has been attributed to norms of patriarchal tradition where a woman’s social status is dependent upon her spouse’s social status (Root, 2001; Spickard, 1991). Accordingly, anti-miscegenation laws were gendered, more often policing the sexuality of white women than white men. Some of the original state formulations of such laws explicitly banned marriage between white women and nonwhite men, and those most often brought to court were marriages involving white women, not white men (Pascoe, 1991). This vestigial dynamic may still undergird gendered differences today.
Parental control over mating is asymmetrical, with women being controlled more than men (Apostolou, 2014). In addition, it is men who monopolize access to women by force, and not women who monopolize access to men by force (Puts, 2010).
Jennifer Schecter (The L Word)
Jennifer Schecter (played by #MiaKirshner) was the avatar we were seeing this world through — the first main character in the story. We were discovering #Tibette & Shane/Alice/Dana at the same time as Jenny.
Moreover, The L Word Online’s portrayal of nonheteronormative courtship & same-sex relationships was unseen before as a steady/focused series on television. It’s easy to forget in 2021 how revolutionary the L Word was in 2004 when I started watching it.
Jennifer was the character who situated us within the revolutionary story the L Word was preparing to tell.
In addition, it was the first best portrayal of intersexual competition (Tim vs Marina) that I can remember as Jenny gradually discovered herself as a #bisexual woman (she only ever assumed she was heterosexual).
Invisibility Of Social Privilege to Those Who Have It (Kaidi Wu, 2021)
A majority of Black Americans perceive that racial discrimination exists in daily life, but fewer than half of White Americans agree (Parker, Horowitz, & Mahl, 2016). A similar attitudinal chasm is found for gender. Women report personally experiencing discrimination twice as often as men. However, whereas 41% of women state that men have easier lives than women, only 28% of men agree (Menasce Horowitz, Parker, & Stepler, 2017).
Why do people from socially dominant groups perceive less privilege in their lives than that perceived by people from subordinate groups? We propose that socially dominant groups suffer from hypocognition, deficits in a cognitive or conceptual representation, of social privilege (Wu & Dunning, 2018a, 2018b, 2020). They have little working knowledge of the advantages they enjoy or the disadvantages other groups endure. As a consequence, they lack the cognitive architecture needed to identify, understand, and remember social privilege and its instantiations.
Recent approaches to studying privilege blindness focus on motivated denial. When confronted with evidence of privilege, members of socially advantaged groups claim personal hardships, downplay advantages conferred to them by society, and see acts of discrimination as isolated rather than systemic (Phillips & Lowery, 2020; Unzueta & Lowery, 2008).
We resonate with this motivated account, but suggest that denial of privilege may also arise from cognitive deficits existing outside of motivational defense. In The Macho Paradox (Katz, 2006), educator Jackson Katz described an exercise during which he drew a line down the middle of a chalkboard and asked men and women to write down on each side the steps they take to protect themselves from assault. Whereas men stared at the board in silence, women readily recounted safety precautions as a part of their daily routine. We term the absence of such cognitive representations of privilege to be the hypocognition of privilege (Wu & Dunning, 2020). To be hypocognitive is to lack conceptual knowledge about the idea, including its instantiations, defining features, and associations to other notions (Wu & Dunning, 2018a, 2019).
Black women with curly hairstyles were evaluated less favorably than White women with curly hairstyles (Koval & Rosette, 2021).
McElroy et al. (2014) found that applicants with facial piercings were less likely to be considered.
Dear Couple Coming Out of the Interracial Closet
⚠ Stay resilient ⚠
As someone whose relationship history is 100% interracial, who has had mostly bisexual girlfriends, & who has primarily dated women from outside the USA for at least the last decade, be ready/ prepared to block out all the gaslighting, toxic positivity from ppl whose tone of voice sounds like they mean well but they’re really just trying to orchestrate a breakup by planting one idea of doubt at a time.
Don’t make eye contact with anyone at restaurants or other places microaggressing stares are likely …and if yall have any Karen-esque friends just go ahead & block them